He stares at her from across the room, examining her every motion, expression. He notices how when her father puts his hand on her shoulder, and she turns and looks at him, she smiles and her eyes are warm and he wishes it was him she was smiling at like that, again. He wishes he hadn't made the mistakes he did. But he did, and there's nothing he can do about that now. Look at me. My depth perception must be off again. Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did. It has not healed with time. He can't understand why it hurts the way it does. She hadn't had that much of an effect on him. Right? Even as he watches her, watches the way her red dress clings to her, and the way the neckline plunges and the skirt glides over her long legs, he can't appreciate the view. He is preoccupied with his thoughts, and rather absorbed in self-pity. He wished he hadn't given it up. He wished he hadn't gotten so damn scared, when he realised that she was infecting him. And pushed her away. He had been carved from a glacier, and it scared him to his core when he finally saw that the ice that had protected him so long was resting in a puddle around his feet, and it was her warm smile, the heat of her body, and the fire of her gaze that had undone him. He remembers the way that after they danced as the sun set, dusk came, and a million fireflies were in the air, and she had looked like a picture out of a storybook. The fairytale princess, beautiful and sweet, back lit by the rising moon and the fireflies. And then there was him. He was her polar opposite. For everything light in her, there was dark in him. He was the Beast to her Beauty. There was no way he could have possibly deserved her love and devotion, so he had done what he thought was best. And even though he may now regret it, he still thinks it was best. This is the one situation in which he won't let himself be selfish. For every beautiful smile she had ever given him, he had never returned them. And he still wants her. It just shot down my spine. You look so beautiful tonight. Reminds me how you laid us and gently smiled. Before you destroyed my life.He thinks she's beautiful. He thinks she's beautiful all the time....He can't even finish the thought. His wine suddenly tastes like mud, and he can't drink anymore, so he sets it aside, and allows himself to wallow in self-pity for a moment. He wants to kick himself for messing up like this But he won't. He had destroyed her, and for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to even resent him for it.He had come into her life and shattered it into a million little pieces, and even though it has scared her shitless and she hate it then, she didn't mind so much anymore. Now, remembering how he had fucked up was the worst part. He had been so desperate to get away. But she was like a star, and the gravitational pull that surrounded her was enough to suck anybody in. He had thought himself immune. Guess he was kidding himself Could you find it in your heart. To make this go away. And let me rest in pieces. Let me rest in pieces. He wishes it would go away. He wishes he had never felt this way to begin with. And at the same time, he wouldn't give up his short time with her for anything in the world. And he hates that she can still affect him like she does... It's not fair. Could you find it in your heart. To make this go away. And let me rest in pieces.Let me rest in pieces. Pieces. He hates himself for doing this to himself. He can't hate her. No one's immune to her. Look at me My depth perception must be off againYou got much closer than I thought you did. I'm in your reach. You held me in your hands, And still, he thinks that if she ever remembers their time, if she ever wants to try again, he won't resist her like he once had. He hadn't realized until it was too late that she hadn't only shattered his shield of ice. She had shattered his very soul, the one that he thought he didn't have, the one that was already broken, and then lovingly put it back together. She had infected him to his core. And rendered him unable to move away from her. He hates being so vulnerable. Hates that when she put his soul back together, she had marked him like no other. She is in him now, and there is nothing he can do to expel her. He doesn't really mind, though, because even without her there anymore, the small part that would always be with him was keeping him warm at night. He didn't realise until it was too late that he had never slept more peacefully than when her warm body had been pressed up against him, and the smell of lilacs and rain had permeated the room and lulled him to sleep. And now? And now... Well, there was bottle of pills on his nightstand. Could you find it in your heart. To make this go away. And let me rest in pieces. Let me rest in pieces. Could you find it in your heart. To make this go away. And let me rest in pieces. Let me rest in pieces. He leaves the room, feeling sick to his stomach. It's not like he wants that information anyway. It will only hurt him more.
ps : written from his point of view after being open , after regretting, after being equally worried about everything that has to do with committment..
thats all for now..
-bye!!-
KANGKUNG BELACAN
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