S.....

I didnt go see him last night as I have to prepare for my mocks and I haven really been doing great in class as my concentration is way off..Mr.Ganesan is now on my case so I better not fuck up..Its Saturday and it was his last radiation therapy. He told me to just stay home and study..so Sunday came and my sayang was too weak to even talk..he was just so sick that they had to give him oxygen support and I was so gonna see him when he told me to just come tomorrow as now he was just going to sleep. He said he rather die that go through this again and after so long this is the time he really broke down due to pain..I told myself I am definately going to see him after my mocks tomorrow..I just love him so much and it kills not being able to do anything..His last words to me that night before he hung up was "Hun, you really complete me you know..I dunno what I'll do without you...if i dun get through this I'll make sure you're taken care k? I'll request to be your very own guardian angel..I love you so much..good night baby..I miss you already..give me my hugs and kisses when you come tomorrow..I could really do with a few..love you baby..good night and sweet dreams..I wanna wake up seeing you..promise you'll not leave me? Love you..Nights sayang.."...not really the exact words but thats his last conversation with me..
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I got "THE CALL"..Calvin(his bro) called..he passed away..I think I am dreaming..Yeah I think I am..this cant be true..what am I suppose to do now? I am suppose to see him later in the afternoon after college..he's no more around..all the promises, all the dreams, all the future plannings GONE...!!!GONE..!!! and he said he love me..if he did this would not have happened...its unfair for you to just leave like that..what about me? what do I do now???

I haven told you how much I love you...I haven had enough of you..I haven given you the hugs and kisses I was suppose to give you later today...Baby..WHY...???
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Mummy and I took the flight down to Kuching for the funeral..Aunty LiNee was just so sad..she lost it when they brought the coffin..I of all person was a heartless bitch...I didnt even tear..not a bit..my mummy was crying more than me..whats wrong with me? What kind of a fool of a girlfriend am I? Not even a lil bit sense of sadness or remorse..gosh I am sick..I know I love him but I cant bring myself to cry..I really do love you baby..
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Baby, if only I had one more day with you I'd do everything I can to make it up to you for all the time I wasnt a good girlfriend...there's so many things I wanna say to you and so many things to do for you..I love you so much..reality is starting to kick in now and I am so scared thinking of how much I am already starting to miss you..all I have now is our pictures and memories with me but as selfish as I may sound, I want more...its not sufficient enough for me baby..last night, I called your phone, your London number so that when it goes to your voicemail, I can hear your voice..i may sound super crazy but I'm so lost at the moment..if only you had the chance to know how much I love you...*sigh*